"WITH HEAD IN THE CLOUDS"
Consists of 7 works
2019-2020
Artworks are what the essence of an artist hides behind. They must look away from the individual, from the true feelings of the artist, not as an exact point of view, but as consideration without categoricalness.
I want the easiness of being, I want to soar in the clouds, a carefree life that would be due to my willpower, not external factors. Be above all irritants. The thorny path to serenity is what I want to achieve, although it is very difficult for me.
The state when you freeze in your dreams, thinking about how you see your life and how you would like it to be, sooner or later ends, and then you wake up because the "stop word" worked, and you are crushed again realities of life. The tasks you can't solve, the happenings that stay with you forever, are only yours, as part of a gut that was cut out after cancer, like phantom pains in missing limbs. It is events which write your life, change you and determine your path.
You were ready to flutter like a butterfly, to be happy, to be weightless, to be free from all this sad and gray everyday life. Cheerful romance with a light infantility flair. The impression that life will be like the awe of the air at dawn, after a fun night. Coming peace with a sense of absolute awareness of your own place in this world. But suddenly you seem to fall under the ice and all your efforts are counted back and again you have to go a long way to balance your being. You get used to the world around you and stop fighting it.
Artwork:
"Prologue. Daydreaming"
It was planned that this artwork would be about frivolity, but it happened differently.
My concept is a text, which I don't want to be read by anyone and that plays with my feelings at the expense of the viewer.
My journey from a frustation in my brain and around me to emotional balance has been through introspection and awareness. I started to build this work in my head after realizing that I can't always achieve what I want on my own, which caused stress, because I don't like to ask for help from anyone. It was a period of my heightened vulnerability, sensitivity. Awareness of the need to have people in allspheres of my life shook my self-esteem. And then I finally lost my balance. I'm used to people close to me dying and a part of me dying with them. But every time I still marvel at the versatility and depth of the fractures and cracks these things cause in my life.
Another starting point was the death of my first love, a man I fell in love with more than ten years ago, although sometimes it seemed to me that this was not the real love. This close person shot himself. And to some extent, I blame myself, because I broke him hard when I broke up our relationships. He could not come to life for a long time. We lived and spent a lot of time together, and had a fun and interesting time. We have known each other for fourteen years, which is half of my life, but the last eight years of our communication I could not say for sure what was in his head because he was even more reserved than me. He always said that he was fine. And it seemed to me that it was not necessary to climb into the soul by force - if a person wants, he will tell. But he will never tell, already. And I also don't want to frank about anything for anyone. It became difficult for me to keep up the conversations, except for art and only superficial ones.But I tried, I tried to tell that the person I love had died, tell to the person I could love. But he did not want to listen to me, he did not want to support me, he did not want to help me, because it is easier not to do anything.
And it was a big blow for me, because I rarely try to open up to someone.
While working on this installation, I experienced more disappointments than, perhaps, in all my previous life. They depressed me periodically, point by point, one by one. And when I finished, I realized that when I felt bad, I cut the engraving. And it saved me from depression and coarsening. I finished my work, reviewed and find meaning in my behavior, and began to answer the question "how are you?" not only "normal", but also sometimes go into details.
At this stage, I am sure that I will hardly share the most serious experiences of my life with others in the future. Everything is just mine. My personal tragedies are only mine, and I almost never discuss them with anyone and I need to defecate somehow. It's just that all these emotions are like small explosions that release a lot of energy of destruction, which, however, does not fly in all directions, but drives in circles in the closed space of my head. I don't need to talk about my problems with friends or relatives. My way out is to vomit at the whole spectrum of my experiences into the picture. Therefore, the exhibition of my work is a big step, because I broke myself, and also, in this manner, consolidated my conclusions and decisions, so they will not be inert, and if I need, I will return to them. Art became my waste product.
Artworks:
Chapter I. Diazepamum, Chapter II. Prozac, Chapter III. Zolmitriptan , Chapter IV. Percoset If you can't deal with a problem, that is destroying your life, - eat a pill.
If your life doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to, - eat a pill.
If you can't rely on friends, - eat a pill.
If you want a pie. but can't stand gluten, - eat a pill.
If you do not like the shape of the nose - eat a pill.
Or shut up in a corner and cry. Rest. Cool. You are in a state of furiousness, it should not control you. You need to realize the importance of how you can control and manage your life. You can always involve external factors, but the main influence on yourself you commit by yourself.
The period of aggression and rejection of all the events around is an integral part of life.
Everything is annoying and you do not want to contact anyone or anything - the maximum alienation from everything that happens. Everything is so dim and boring, that you want to vomit on plates of canapés, mannered people and their oily repetitive discussions, it's always in the same tone and rhythm, a little beautiful, but never reaches the quality picture, whatever you imagine it.
Or do not look, or be patient. But before, all this environment even had entertained you. And in general, everything is not so bad - bad as always.
There are many methods of "braking" in order to suppress the madness and remain a cold-eyed rational person; I can drink, paint, have sex, dance, etc. But the most difficult and worthy for me is the awareness of all spectra, their acceptance and self-criticism, which in the end calms down well and promotes movement.
And it's also annoying that you want to be everywhere. Eternal haste, a gap on ten parts, and, of course, psychosis against this background. The brain is like a fragmentation grenade: not to hit the targets, but simply indirectly hoot on to everything around.
And at the same time, everyone is so bored, nothing can entertain like a child - long time and naive.
How often do you laugh to tears when talking to your friends? When was the last time this was not due to fatigue? You want so much fun that you spend all your energy thinking about them and searching for them, and then you sit down, calm down and start a semi-philosophical
demagoguery in your head. And everything is so easy, simple and clear.
And after a while, this childish whim about how bored I am reappears.